-------- WARNING: Discussing Heavy Shit At Bed-Time --------
I WILL BE UP BLOGGING ALL damn night.
For the record: Not a good idea. I was exhausted when I laid down at 9pm. I thought "we're all nice and calm, let me address something minor while were both in a fine mood and maybe we can come up with a solution."
NOPE. MY husband went to sleep looking like a kicked puppy,and I then stayed up, unable to sleep, thinking over everything we'd discussed and becoming more and more frustrated and less and less able to sleep.
When my husband awakes from his nearly 18 hours of slumber, he has to leave very early for work so I knew we wouldn't have much time to chat, so...We tried to chat before bed -namely about how my husband and I love each other deeply, but don't "get" how the other thinks...and how it seems to leave our communication a blurry mess with a lot of misunderstandings.
In bringing this up, all I did was royally hurt his feelings....Ten minutes later, he's falling asleep
as if nothing happened, yet I'm in tears and I'm so upset that I can't sleep at all.
I realize despite taking 2-2mg alprazolam (aka Xanex 4gm)- but now the sun is up, and I started thinking, then I began writing (A solid nine hours ago) but I quickly realized I was finding far more questions than answers....
------- My Dysfunctional Part in all This ---------
As my husband is half asleep (It was only 8:30 PM when this discussion started, in all fairness, it's not as if I was trying to start this chat at 4am.) I get that he had a long day, but the reality is, so did I.
I was trying to explain how differently we think... And how, while we have a wonderful bond and a solid relationship,we definitely have certain times that we simply don't understate each other because our brains function in very different ways. As result, I want to dig a little deeper into how
my brain works, vs how my husband's brain works to help us understand each other better.
With the fundamental difference between my brain,(which has a High IQ - I have repeatedly been tested well above average, including exceeding a 1400 on my PSAT's in 7th grade and getting a near perfect score on the SAT's as a senior (1560 to be exact). Unfortunately, many people with high IQ's also have issues like ADD and ADHD, and I am definitely one of those people.
The main negative attributes that are brain-related (you could almost call it a flaw) that come along with ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) are symptoms such as I have a reduced ability to focus on one thought at a time, I have a very difficult time shutting my brain off when it's time to sleep, and when I am awake and alert, it's very difficult to stay on one collective topic of thoughts - I'll often forget what I was saying mid-sentence, or forget what TV show was on during the commercials. It takes a special person to live with and put up with me - I get that.
Some of the main issues of living with an ADHD brain is that it came be difficult to keep your focus on anything that doesn't particularly interest you, or especially if the person is overly tired.
As an example, while I am really interested in writing this article, it has taken me hours lo write due to the lack of focus, while I have a tendency to SPEED through mundane work,what with my inability to slow down and follow directions. I've heard that my ENTIRE LIFE. There's major issues with
concentration that comes along with ADHD, as well as some issues with impulsive behavior.
------- My Husband is Definitely from Mars ----------
So what are the differences between his brain and mine? Well, first of all, he has no trouble turning off when it's time to sleep. It endlessly frustrates me that he can sleep away entire days when he doesn't feel a pressing need to get up (IE - he doesn't have to work that day). He's late for everything, and has poor time management. Worse, he can't understand that I have trouble with many of these same issues because of my ADHD but rather than helping me, he tends to make things worse, and even worse than that, often applies the blame on me.
------ So we used Christmas as an Example, because it's always a hot-button issue around here. ----
I try all year to drop hints, to make it easy on him. I feel like I am a very easy person to shop for, I don't request or hope for outrageous things we can't afford, but I do sincerely wish for him to either ASK ME what I would like, or do a little thinking and researching rather than just taking the "easy" way out and shopping for me at the very last minute when he can't get 90% of the things I was hoping for. It's lead to several years in a row of disappointing Christmasses, Birthdays and Anniversaries.
...sometimes I flat out tell him what I want (which he hates)- But all the dropped hints fall on deaf ears and are as good as if I'd never spoken them. I'm REALLY easy to snoop around and figure out.
I have an amazon wish list pages deep, a Pinterest and dozens of Etsy favorites ( shops and items tagged) of everything from $2 items to $2000. It shouldn't take much to figure out a few small gifts I'd really find to be special. Receiving ANY of these items would shock and THRILL me on Valentine's, our anniversary, my birthday, or even Christmas. Sadly, we've gotten into the habit of not really giving each other gifts EXCEPT for Christmas, and that alone is depressing. As much as enjoy shopping, I really enjoy the occasional gift for no reason. Like when we go to the renaissance faire - not once has he bought me a rose. I've had literally hundreds of roses given to me at faires over the years, but never once from Justin. He just doesn't think that way.
I'm no diva and under $100 could go a long, long way.... In all our years together, I can honestly say he is the least emotional, least romantic and least thoughtful of the men I've dated in the GIFT giving department. (He's much more giving in an emotional, thoughtful, even sexual ways). But when it comes to buying presents... he pretty much stinks. :-(
I've gotten a craftsman multi-tool (that became useful a cop) and a tattoo certificate for Xmas from one Bf, another gave me a gun for our anniversary,and a motorcycle just to celebrate our tax returns, even my married gay bf got me ice cream gift certificates for cold stone card, but other than the occasional card, Justin isn't much of a present guy, and almost never for no reason unless it was a trash find. Sure, he brings home flowers left from weddings he works, but he'd bring them home to his mother, if he was still living at home with his folks. I am not fooled. Sorry honey.
---- He hates that I hate surprises ---
Truth is - I don't hate surprises. I hate the build up, the suspense.. and then being let down. Inevitably, I'm let down anytime someone says they are going to "surprise me". THAT is why I hate surprises so much.
Sadly - he gets FURIOUSLY angry that my Christmas Tradition started long, long ago-disappointment had reigned until I took over buying for myself a reasonable amount of things each year, with mom's credit card. She'd fork it over, I'd go spend a few hundred dollars - Don't get me wrong, I never went nuts, but I'd get some jeans, tops I liked, a neat trinket or two, and ta-da... I had a merry Christmas.
What it came down to was that I'm the eighth child, the last kid, and the only girl. Ten years
is the age gap between me and my brothers. I wasn't spoiled (on the holidays) - rather, I was all but entirely forgotten. So, since I was about ten, my mom (who loathed shopping anyway) would give me her card, I'd spend a few hundred bucks and boom -Christmas DONE-
I'd wrap my own gifts and call it a night. I'd always hated surprises anyway, and for years, relatives who couldn't remember my age had dumped dollar store "Barbie-knock-offs" and I got weird, hideous clothes often far too big, or other things I just generally couldn't use or didn't like (not because I'm picky or snobby, but because the person buying it put LESS than ZERO effort into their gift). I've always tried to be thoughtful of the person and mindful of what they'd really truly LIKE and USE...
As a little girl every year, l clearly wrote outs a list- no unicorns and "million dollar wishes" each year, but even so, I'd never get anything I'd ask for or want; All I wanted was some legos, maybe a new soccer ball, simple things, but those requests always ended up COMPLETELY IGNORED. And so I gave up on surprises and expectations and hopes, and just bought myself whatever it was that I wanted, while feeling guilt-free because then I could honestly ask people NOT give me gifts because I didn't need or want them, it made everything much more simple!
So I'd spent nearly my WHOLE life disappointed by the feeble attempts of people who never really cared what would make me happy, and nearly every gift I've ever been given by my family was so far from my tastes, eight sizes off, or simply something I would SWEAR was some re-gift of an item they had lying around that they KNEW I wouldn't need or want, but they'd wrap it up anyway. Depressing. My grandmother would always sneak each grand-kid $100- and every year my mom made me return all but $10 of it, claiming each of my cousins did the same. Come to find out years later - that was a bold faced lie! My aunts never made their kids fork over their Christmas money, just me!
So, starting then, and through today, I flat out choose my own gifts... I've learned to LOVE IT.
And then, in stark contrast, there's my husband, Justin: He LOATHES it...
...It's been three Craptastic-Christmases - (each one has resulted in someone in his family butt-hurt and angry for weeks, usually with Justin and I driving home yelling at each other,all while trying to keep quiet enough for the baby (he's three!) to sleep on the way home. I can't stand the family drama and ridiculous bickering the holidays bring out in families - Last year it was because I asked them to delete a particularly gross and unflattering photo of me, which apparently set off a temper that in turn, caused the photo sessions to end. Yay me, for screwing everything up for everyone!!
---- The Good Old Days ---
As a cop I was *NEVER* shocked by the spike in suicides...."Merry f'n holidays," we used to taunt each other as one shift would head out, while others went 10-8! "Jingle Bells, Corpses Smell, Brain Matter splatters Walls. Oh what fun, the shot gun's done, grey matter's on the walls, Hey!"
-- He tries, but... ---
Sigh. While he TRIES to put forth slightly more effort each year its hard to be upset with him but he really has stunk at gift-giving. Plus, he AND his family (who insist on buying me non-refundable clothing that is nowhere near my style or size).....Sigh. So I smile, nod, toss everything in a pile until my mom hauls it out to get picked and donated. That sucks. I don't like seeing people waste their money on me, I'd rather just not get a gift at all, you know?
Last year, I'd scrimped and saved and bought his gifts as far back as eight months. (On record, he's STILL never used the $300 in Broadway tickets I got him, agreeing to attend ANY SHOW, not a small feat for me and my low tolerance for crap I dislike.) Seriously, they are now three years old, I don't know if they are even any good or if he even knows where they are. How depressing. (and he's upset that I "beat him" to buying a picture frame I didn't even really care about? sigh.
Last year, for example, I laid off, but as Christmas approached I'd realized he hadn't bought me anything just five days before Christmas except the lego sets I'd bought and told him to go ahead and wrap for me. And then tonight I accidentally insulted a Christmas gift he'd *almost* gotten me last year (it turned out to be one of those "Gift of the Magi" type situations, sort of) -anyway in Nov 2013, I'd run across my Red Sox world series photo print (8x10") from 2004 and decided to put it somewhere safe.
But not long before last Christmas, while doing some thrift shopping, id found a funky CHEAP piece of art (the three wise men actually), in shiny 3D, set in a bad-ass gold sparkly frame- so i picked it out, eventually at home, ripped out the ugly art a few weeks before Xmas, glued in my Red Sox photo and hung up my work in our bedroom. Turns out, Justin was upset to see it....he had been planning to kidnap the photo and was thinking of having it framed for me.
I was like.... "what?" I mean, I love the Red Sox.. but this is just a photo that's been floating around since 2004. It wasn't anything I particularly prized, and he was very weirdly upset that I'd gone ahead and framed the photo before he got the chance.While it would have been a somewhat thoughtful idea - having the photo framed was NEVER high on my priory list.. It's a little creased, bought offline for $8, a reproduction, not signed and of no value except that I Iove the Sox. He didn't plan to have it signed or anything...just framed, to wrap as if it would shock and delight me as the highlight of my entire holiday. That's what I mean by "he doesn't get me."
Also, some things are nice gestures if you bring them home on a Tuesday in March, but make weird / creepy and even insulting Christmas gifts: Imagine my heartbreak when my stocking was filled with acne creams, buffers, lotions and worse, he'd clearly had them laying around for years. I was crushed... I was ALREADY feeling ugly...depressed and unwanted. I cried IN MY ROOM while everyone ate breakfast. He didn't know. I managed a "thanks" but it really bothered me.
--- And it's not just about Christmas gifts and such... ---
He simply doesn't understand my priorities, what I want in life, what I care about and what I feel like I really REALLY need. So, here he is hurt over this present that never even happened because I found a cheap frame first.....and I'm sad because the consignment sale check I'd worked my ASS OFF FOR...that thought we'd set aside for passports for my tubal reversal trip .....were apparently *blown* without my knowing.... He STILL hasn't filed our taxes even though that return is the ONLY HOPE OF GETTING TO MEXICO FOR MY TUBAL REVERSAL, and that I've made it quite clear if I'm not on hormone injections and trying for a baby come April, I'm giving up and were done, despite how very badly we've really wanted to have a second baby.
No wedding. We never had one, and just as I predicted - we never will, and he doesn't care. He worked a wedding the other night in the location we'd chose and posted about in on Facebook, tagging a friend saying "haven't been here since your wedding"- but not a single text to me saying how sad he is he wishes it could be us there. Hell, All five of my $10 and under engagement rings have gone in the trash after tarnishing or losing stones. It really makes a girl feel so VERY special when in THREE YEARS of marriage, HER HUSBAND hasn't found it a priority to tuck $5 here and $10 there so that maybe someday I could get a REAL RING.
I feel so insecure and unhappy that none of this seems to get through to him...that he doesnt understand how important ANY of this is to me;
1) Sometimes I feel like he married me out of pity because I was scared, pregnant and alone- just like his "best friend" pretty much accused him of doing a mere ten feet from the hospital bed where I laid with my newborn son, Adam whispered that Justin was "about to ruin his ENTIRE life" (and *yes*, I heard you, Adam.). Of course, that became a major bone of contention because I didn't want the best man at my wedding to be someone who doesn't even believe the groom should be marrying the bride, nor do I even want this guy AT my wedding since he's STILL never bothered to apologize for trying to take Justin into leaving me and not "ruining his life".
2) Because we had to marry to complete the adoption, it certainly feels like no one would actually care if and when we had a REAL wedding...
... And here three years later, my dress doesn't fit, and not once has he or anyone in his family expressed a single thought about us actually HAVING a wedding, so by now, I've accepted that this will never happen. All I wanted was for ONE thing to go "according to plan". I don't know a single other person who "eloped' or got married at the courthouse and did NOTHING for their wedding including not getting wedding rings. It's so depressing. I feel like a HUGE thing I should have gotten to do was just totally forgotten about forever.
3) And because no one cares about the wedding, it's clear he doesn't care that I have never had an engagement ring, let alone a wedding band. Sure, he got me a pretty (but completely inexpensive) ring for a placeholder, but he didn't make any effort in the three years since, to find me a ring - so to this day, I have no engagement ring and no wedding band. It's embarrassing. By now, I realize how irresponsible he is with money, and I realize that saving for or somehow borrowing for it simply isn't going to happen and at this point, I'm supposed to be okay that my name hasn't changed, and the most expensive ring I wear cost $4 from a yard sale. He was making upwards of 70k when we married. I knew he had school loans and credit card debt and a car to pay off (it's long since been.) but clearly giving me an engagement ring that didn't come from the hospital gift shop just isn't ANY priority. It's hard to feel important and valued when he doesn't even seem to notice just how much it eats at me that this is of NO importance to him.
And my husband....True- I'd never flat out said how important a real ring means to me, after all, he'd married me, fought the legal war and won, and adopted our son, and I felt I owed him everything and deserved nothing....
AFTER ALL... HIS OWN BEST FRIEND CALLED ME AND THE BABY "A COLOSSAL MISTAKE" just hours after giving birth. I have a hard time with the fact that Justin's (then) best friend, Adam had no problem coming to my labor and delivery room, and warned Justin, in FULL EAR-SHOT of me, less than three hours after giving birth, that by Justin taking on me and the baby as his own, he was "throwing his entire life away" and right then- essentially disowned him shortly after.
(Think I'm exaggerating?) The "gift" his friend Adam and his wife sent us for the baby was a book entitled (more or less) "Parenting the difficult and disobedient child." I guess that was their way of saying that I'm going to be a terrible mother and we'll raise a moronic monster. He and his wife had a child over a year ago now- we have received no invitation to visit (and drop that book back off to them for their son, Lmfao! I mean, wasn't that so sweet and thoughtful a gift in the first place from his best friend and his wife...Screw it, let them have it back and see how they feel about someone presuming their child will turn out to be a monster!)
(DON'T GET ME WRONG; No one told my husband how I had longed for a real proposal- the kind you share on Facebook with a close up of the ring .... I didn't want a flash mob, or anything ridiculous....but his original proposal to me was private, in bed actually, but I bawled like a baby... Hell, I was shocked anyone wanted ME, my baggage, our beautiful son (but a child neither of us had ever wanted to begin with)- i had been waiting for him to take Adam's Advice, wise up and leave us...)
I just remember going out to dinner days after we got engaged - we went to IHOP for father's day and everyone in his family was going on and on and wanted me to show off the ring... but I couldn't show them the ring... because just three days after giving it to me, almost all the shiny silver had worn off, andmy finger was deep green plus one of the stones was missing already.
I really don't mean to come across like a brat... but I just would really like my life to start having some things go right, and for Justin to understand how important this stuff is to me. I don't want a $10,000 ring, or a $60,000 wedding. But I do want a real ring, and I do want a wedding. I want the tubal reversal done before I'm too old and it's too late and too dangerous. I'm just sad that he doesn't seem to understand how much these things bother me.
Just like the Christmas gifts he can never seem to get the knack for. I just can't help but feeling like I'm never going to get the surgery paid for and done, a ring, the dress and the wedding if I don't find a way to do it all myself - and then what's the point? I just wish he could figure out how important this stuff is to me, and that he actually cared. :-(
Life at 34, as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend... with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, nothing is easy..but it *IS* worth it.